On my way upstairs last night I ran into one of my neighbors. I asked him if he had seen any bugs. He lowered his voice in a conspiratorial manner and asked, "What kind of bugs?" Like he didn't know. Cha. I dropped my voice and whispered, "Bed bugs." And here is what he said:
No, we haven't seen any of them for two months since they treated the last time, after we had to petition for the exterminators to come in. We had them. Not a lot of them, like the apartments on the second and third floor. We were pretty ticked, too, that the exterminators drilled in our walls this time because we painted and we don't have any of that paint left.
AH HA! So when the Super said only three apartments on the second and third floor had the bugs, he was lying. I think all his gestures of installing screens and replacing toilet seats were to throw me off the scent. His ultimate goal: Leave me unprepared for the bugs' attack.
Oh, what a wicked web they weave.
To further cement his "good, anti-bug" image, the Super has contacted the exterminators and they are coming tomorrow morning to "evaluate" my apartment. Probably checking to see if I am crazy and imagining bugs or if they are really here. This involves me bravely carving a path through the rubbish in my apartment tonight, so they can get through the boxes and bags and such. Callooh! Callay!
Anyway, I miss the funny and I bet you do, too. So I'll do my best with a few snapshots from New York:
Witnessed on Sixth Avenue
I was walking next to a man on his cellphone and over heard the following conversation:
"Where are you?" he lisped. "Oh! I can see you! You're right ahead of me."
"No, no. Turn, turn, turn. A complete 360." I can actually see a woman up ahead at the corner spinning in circles like a Magic Kingdom teacup. After a dizzying number of spins they finally establish contact, evoking the ever popular "Daaaarling! How are you?" I can't believe people actually say this.
How To Take Over The City, or Apple Is Manufacturing Weapons of Mass Destruction
Everyone but me has an iPod here. They listen to them on the subway, while walking, in the store, even while they are pretending to hold conversations with their friends. It must be like walking around in a movie, where your whole life has a soundtrack. "And here is my 'Walk the dog and look away while he tinkles' song. It's so jazzy." Anyway, if anyone -- say Lex Luthor -- wanted to take over Metropolis, iPods would be the way. Just a few choice electric shocks, or maybe subliminal messages, and he would have a whole army of willing drones. Think about that the next time you pop in those earplugs, America. I bet they even have kryptonite chips embedded in them.
Shopping In Astoria
My grocery store, the local Associated, sells a variety of ethnic foods and some unusual edibles. For instance, you can get a 12-pack of frozen quail, which are so tiny they don't seem worth the effort. There are also Irish soda breads from the Gaelic bakery, stuffed grape leaves and a variety of guava and mango beverages. But my favorite ethnic food is Abuelita chocolate drink mix. The box makes me chuckle every time I see it. Is it just me, or is she giving you a "come hither" stare over her cup of cocoa?
Until Wednesday, drink your Ovaltine ...
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