NYM now bug-free!

When we last left our heroine, she was preparing for a long siege at the hands of the bed bugs (or whatever appendages they have) …

Friday night was a lot of random packing and sorting things to be laundered and thinking, “Good God, I have way too much stuff.” I wasn’t sure what to do about my stuffed bear, so he is being cryogenically frozen in a plastic bag in my Frigidaire. Bed bugs are not supposed to last more than two weeks in sub-zero temps.

On Saturday, I received several visitors. First were the cable Internet guy and his apprentice (perhaps son?). It took them all of 10 minutes to hook me up to wicked fast Internet. I know you are all jealous.

Then the Super showed up. He put in my screens and even installed my new toilet seat. Everything was sunshine and lollipops until he dropped this on me: The exterminators aren’t bombing. As a matter of fact, what they’re doing is relatively non-invasive. Basically, I have double-bagged and boxed all my possessions for no reason whatsoever. But it’s good practice. Some day I could be a championship packer. Not that I know what that championship would involve. Probably timed packing, integrity of packing, newspaper rolling and tape ripping. I think the final challenge would be dropping your boxes off the roof across from Letterman and whoever has the most non-broken items wins. Of course everyone would have to pack the same items for the sake of fairness.

But I digress (forgive me, my brain is mush). So the boxes were packed in the center of the living room with care in hopes that the exterminators soon would be there. Eventually, George and his crew made it to the fourth floor and here is what I learned that fateful Saturday, brothers and sisters: Bleach kills bed bugs. Also, ammonia. You can even use a 50-50 solution of ammonia and water. Not that I am suggesting you try to eradicate the little punks yourself; definitely seek professional help. But if you have the unfortunate luck to meet a bed bug on the street, whip out your spritzer of bleach and send the sucker to his maker.

Other things I learned this weekend:
1. You can get bed bugs at hotels, even fancy ones are starting to have problems. They’ll travel in your suitcase and in your clothes. Also, you can get them by visiting someone who has them. Bed bugs are making a comeback in the U.S. after a hiatus. If only we could say the same for NKOTB.
2. The epicenter of my building’s infestation is an apartment on the second floor, where a pack rat lives. She has had her apartment thoroughly treated before. George and his guys were in there for five hours. It cost $800.
3. Two other apartments have had bed bugs, one directly above that apartment on the third floor and the other also on the second floor. Apparently the young woman who lives there made the unwise decision to befriend the pack rat. The moral: Never make friends.
4. In those apartments, the “hot zone” if you will, George & Co. drilled holes every 16 inches along the baseboards and tops of the walls so they could spray inside the walls. This is how bed bugs get around, through walls, along baseboards, hiding in dark corners and nooks and crannies. They do not fancy light. Clearly they are mercenaries for the Dark Lord.
5. Only three people, out of a possible 16 (I think) actually followed the instructions for the extermination.
6. The extermination cost a cool $8,000.
7. George & Co. will be back in three weeks to make sure the bugs are gone. It takes two weeks for the spray to fully take effect.
8. I could wipe out my dressers and use them after 24 hours. So I do not have to live out of boxes for another two weeks. [much rejoicing]
9. I have approximately $60 worth of washable fabric items. This does not include two rugs and two bags of items I must handwash (in boiling water) and two bags of dry cleaning, which will probably wipe out my savings. Thank you, bed bugs.
10. My legs hurt from walking up and down the stairs with all that laundry. If nothing, this incident has inspired charity. I am donating at least one bag of stuff (it’s all clean and bug-free after all). If I ever have to do this again, that’ll be one less trip up and down the stairs.

Until Tuesday, keep your bleach close by …