Rats of NYM

I hate rats. I loathe them on a level that defies logic. I’m pretty sure it’s the hairless, thick tail that sends shivers down my spine, but it could be any of their other fine features, such as pestilence.

Anyway, as a hater of rats, New York is an unusual choice for a residence, since rats are only barely outnumbered by people. Some day the rodents will rise up and take over the city in a virtually bloodless coup (because we are cowards and they are vicious – have you seen their sharp teeth?).

Now some people freak out when they are very close to certain animals – snakes, bugs, etc. I freak out at the very thought of rats. So you can imagine my joy at seeing them scurry back and forth across the subway tracks. Yes, I know I am fairly removed from them. And yes, I know they aren’t very interested in people (until the coup, when we will all become their slaves). But rats just give me the willies.

The only thing that lifts my spirits about the subway rats is the periodic sign, courtesy the City of New York, that “Rodenticide has been used in this area.” Then it is comfortingly dated. Usually for six years ago.

I think this may be a false sense of comfort, though. I suspect the rats are actually planting these signs themselves. I think it is their way of lulling us into torpidity leading up to the coup. The giveaway is that the rat depicted on the signs has these long, freakishly skinny arms. This is not a fuzzy little creature that scampers across the floor, dashing from one hole to the next. This is a creature that has evolved opposable thumbs while living, breeding and sacrificing baby orphans in the city sewers. And this creature is preparing to use those thumbs. For evil.

Now you are probably thinking, “Hey, Splinter lived in the sewers and he was a freakishly large, opposable-thumbed rat and he worked for the forces of good!” This is a lie being sold to you by the rats. They already have taken over the entertainment industry. Don’t believe me? Then explain “Fear Factor.”

That’s what I thought. Now you are on my side.

Until Friday, train for combat …