Axis of evil?

Amigos, I sense a conspiracy of grand proportions is afoot. I think the bugs, the rats and the Super are all in cahoots. I have proof!

On my way upstairs last night I ran into one of my neighbors. I asked him if he had seen any bugs. He lowered his voice in a conspiratorial manner and asked, "What kind of bugs?" Like he didn't know. Cha. I dropped my voice and whispered, "Bed bugs." And here is what he said:

No, we haven't seen any of them for two months since they treated the last time, after we had to petition for the exterminators to come in. We had them. Not a lot of them, like the apartments on the second and third floor. We were pretty ticked, too, that the exterminators drilled in our walls this time because we painted and we don't have any of that paint left.

AH HA! So when the Super said only three apartments on the second and third floor had the bugs, he was lying. I think all his gestures of installing screens and replacing toilet seats were to throw me off the scent. His ultimate goal: Leave me unprepared for the bugs' attack.

Oh, what a wicked web they weave.

To further cement his "good, anti-bug" image, the Super has contacted the exterminators and they are coming tomorrow morning to "evaluate" my apartment. Probably checking to see if I am crazy and imagining bugs or if they are really here. This involves me bravely carving a path through the rubbish in my apartment tonight, so they can get through the boxes and bags and such. Callooh! Callay!

Anyway, I miss the funny and I bet you do, too. So I'll do my best with a few snapshots from New York:

Witnessed on Sixth Avenue
I was walking next to a man on his cellphone and over heard the following conversation:
"Where are you?" he lisped. "Oh! I can see you! You're right ahead of me."
"No, no. Turn, turn, turn. A complete 360." I can actually see a woman up ahead at the corner spinning in circles like a Magic Kingdom teacup. After a dizzying number of spins they finally establish contact, evoking the ever popular "Daaaarling! How are you?" I can't believe people actually say this.

How To Take Over The City, or Apple Is Manufacturing Weapons of Mass Destruction
Everyone but me has an iPod here. They listen to them on the subway, while walking, in the store, even while they are pretending to hold conversations with their friends. It must be like walking around in a movie, where your whole life has a soundtrack. "And here is my 'Walk the dog and look away while he tinkles' song. It's so jazzy." Anyway, if anyone -- say Lex Luthor -- wanted to take over Metropolis, iPods would be the way. Just a few choice electric shocks, or maybe subliminal messages, and he would have a whole army of willing drones. Think about that the next time you pop in those earplugs, America. I bet they even have kryptonite chips embedded in them.


Shopping In Astoria
My grocery store, the local Associated, sells a variety of ethnic foods and some unusual edibles. For instance, you can get a 12-pack of frozen quail, which are so tiny they don't seem worth the effort. There are also Irish soda breads from the Gaelic bakery, stuffed grape leaves and a variety of guava and mango beverages. But my favorite ethnic food is Abuelita chocolate drink mix. The box makes me chuckle every time I see it. Is it just me, or is she giving you a "come hither" stare over her cup of cocoa?

Until Wednesday, drink your Ovaltine ...

Operation Apartment Storm, Mission Hand-Washing

Sorry to skip a Minute, loyal readers, but I was busy launching my next offensive in the Battle of the Bugs. It seems they did not disappear, but merely retreated to gather their forces.

Since we last convened, I have had another round of bites, possibly two rounds. I itch, but I wonder how much is actually from the bugs and how much is me psyching myself out. It’s getting hard to tell if the red marks on my skin are bites or just where I’ve itched or just normal fair skin irritation. But there were definitely bites on Thursday morning. Definitely, definitely.

So I have come to accept that the bugs will not go easily into that good night and that another round of exterminating may be in my future (but not for another two weeks). Thus, I am leaving things G and I had not unpacked in boxes for now. And any clothes I left in bags are being sealed up so I won’t have to wash everything all over again. (Though there will certainly still be a lot to wash.)

Last night I began to wash all of the hand-wash items I had bagged up. Thank God the hot water is very hot at my apartment. I was able to wash the shag rug in the tub (which it sorely needed anyway). Everything else went into boiling water. This is the recipe, should you ever find yourself in a dogfight with the bugs with delicates on the line:

Boil a large pot of water.
Pour into dishpan.
Add detergent (which dissolves unbelievably fast).
Add garment (the dyes bleed so I can only do one or two things at a time).
Stir with wooden spoon.
Top off with hot water from tap.
Allow to sit for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Have next pot of water heating on stove.
Rinse, ring, hang on metal drying rack (which the bugs allegedly won’t crawl up).
Repeat.

So I still have about a bag and a half of stuff to go, but it feels good to have a plan and be doing something. It’ll probably take all weekend to finish the hand-washing. I also have a side project for Saturday: spackling each and every crack, crevice and hole in my walls.

Mom keeps telling me what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. The bugs should be careful; they are creating a monster. You won’t like me when I’m angry.

Until Monday: Have putty knife, will spackle…

New York Mysteries Solved!

Tired of bed bugs? I know I am. (No sign of them last night, but there was also scant sign of shuteye.) So let's have some fun instead of bugs -- we'll call it a USO stop for Operation Apartment Storm.

Presenting ... New York Mysteries Solved!

Our first mystery is "threading." What is it? Why are there always men wearing sandwich boards on 23rd Street advertising it? Why have I never heard of this before?

The answer from hairfacts.com (yes, there are enough facts on hair to launch a website):
Threading is a way to remove unwanted hair. The threader holds one end of a cotton thread in his or her teeth and the other in the left hand. The middle is looped through the index and middle fingers of the right hand. The practitioner then uses the loop to trap a series of unwanted hairs and pull them from the skin.

This is allegedly less painful than plucking. And here I was expecting something involving braids. The reason I never heard of threading before is that it is apparently hard to find qualified threaders outside of large cities and Indian and Muslim communities. So if you want your eyebrows done, come to New York!

Our second mystery is why are there two past due dates on my milk carton?

The answer is red tape, my friends. But this time, the government really is trying to protect me.
According to the New York Times, New York City has its own dating rules and milk can only be legally sold for only 96 hours after pasteurization. So why can you poor schleps drink old milk? Elsewhere in the world the processor determines the past due dates, which can range from eight to 12 days. Suckers. Tee hee.

But I jest. You have nothing to worry about. The fine City of New York is being cautious with its precious workforce, since temperatures can vary so much for cartons of milk in the city (from the trucks to the stores, to the shelves, to your apartment). And nobody likes chunky milk. Nobody, no how.

Sacre bleu invaders!

Hi, y'all. I'm running out of juice here since I had a bit of a downer day, plus three hours of InDesign training after work. Whew.

Apparently I spoke too soon when I said NYM was bug-free. That'll come back to bite you in the arse every time. Or the neck, as the case is. I woke up this morning and found a bed bug sitting, quite plainly, on the wall in back of my bed. I appear to have several bite marks on my neck, too.

I know the exterminator said we could see them for up to two weeks after the treatment, but now they are in my apartment! They definitely were not here before. I haven't had any bites like this. [shakes fists at sky -- wails "Why? Why?]

So now I am secluding myself from society as much as possible, for fear of spreading the infestation. I am a leper. I've had to cancel a potential trip home, a visit from my mom and I am even forbidding G to come visit. I just couldn't live with myself if I was the cause of this insanity for someone else.

I spent all day feeling like things were crawling on me. I hope I can get to sleep tonight. I am so freaking out, but cruising the blogs today at work, I read some real horror stories about these infestations. I am mighty grateful my landlord is doing what it can to get rid of these punks.

Until Wednesday, get an extra hour of sleep for me ... I think I'm going to need it.

NYM now bug-free!

When we last left our heroine, she was preparing for a long siege at the hands of the bed bugs (or whatever appendages they have) …

Friday night was a lot of random packing and sorting things to be laundered and thinking, “Good God, I have way too much stuff.” I wasn’t sure what to do about my stuffed bear, so he is being cryogenically frozen in a plastic bag in my Frigidaire. Bed bugs are not supposed to last more than two weeks in sub-zero temps.

On Saturday, I received several visitors. First were the cable Internet guy and his apprentice (perhaps son?). It took them all of 10 minutes to hook me up to wicked fast Internet. I know you are all jealous.

Then the Super showed up. He put in my screens and even installed my new toilet seat. Everything was sunshine and lollipops until he dropped this on me: The exterminators aren’t bombing. As a matter of fact, what they’re doing is relatively non-invasive. Basically, I have double-bagged and boxed all my possessions for no reason whatsoever. But it’s good practice. Some day I could be a championship packer. Not that I know what that championship would involve. Probably timed packing, integrity of packing, newspaper rolling and tape ripping. I think the final challenge would be dropping your boxes off the roof across from Letterman and whoever has the most non-broken items wins. Of course everyone would have to pack the same items for the sake of fairness.

But I digress (forgive me, my brain is mush). So the boxes were packed in the center of the living room with care in hopes that the exterminators soon would be there. Eventually, George and his crew made it to the fourth floor and here is what I learned that fateful Saturday, brothers and sisters: Bleach kills bed bugs. Also, ammonia. You can even use a 50-50 solution of ammonia and water. Not that I am suggesting you try to eradicate the little punks yourself; definitely seek professional help. But if you have the unfortunate luck to meet a bed bug on the street, whip out your spritzer of bleach and send the sucker to his maker.

Other things I learned this weekend:
1. You can get bed bugs at hotels, even fancy ones are starting to have problems. They’ll travel in your suitcase and in your clothes. Also, you can get them by visiting someone who has them. Bed bugs are making a comeback in the U.S. after a hiatus. If only we could say the same for NKOTB.
2. The epicenter of my building’s infestation is an apartment on the second floor, where a pack rat lives. She has had her apartment thoroughly treated before. George and his guys were in there for five hours. It cost $800.
3. Two other apartments have had bed bugs, one directly above that apartment on the third floor and the other also on the second floor. Apparently the young woman who lives there made the unwise decision to befriend the pack rat. The moral: Never make friends.
4. In those apartments, the “hot zone” if you will, George & Co. drilled holes every 16 inches along the baseboards and tops of the walls so they could spray inside the walls. This is how bed bugs get around, through walls, along baseboards, hiding in dark corners and nooks and crannies. They do not fancy light. Clearly they are mercenaries for the Dark Lord.
5. Only three people, out of a possible 16 (I think) actually followed the instructions for the extermination.
6. The extermination cost a cool $8,000.
7. George & Co. will be back in three weeks to make sure the bugs are gone. It takes two weeks for the spray to fully take effect.
8. I could wipe out my dressers and use them after 24 hours. So I do not have to live out of boxes for another two weeks. [much rejoicing]
9. I have approximately $60 worth of washable fabric items. This does not include two rugs and two bags of items I must handwash (in boiling water) and two bags of dry cleaning, which will probably wipe out my savings. Thank you, bed bugs.
10. My legs hurt from walking up and down the stairs with all that laundry. If nothing, this incident has inspired charity. I am donating at least one bag of stuff (it’s all clean and bug-free after all). If I ever have to do this again, that’ll be one less trip up and down the stairs.

Until Tuesday, keep your bleach close by …

Bed bugs attack!

I have suffered a devastating blow to my psyche. It appears that while I was out preparing to fight the rats, they sent their minions the bed bugs to throw my life into chaos.

I know there are people truly suffering in this world and that I am one of the luckier ones, but it really, really feels like God is out to get me. Here’s what’s going on:

I came home at about 7:30 last night, which is becoming my norm after working late and then composing these emails. Under my door was a four-page memo from the apartment owners saying that exterminators are coming Saturday from 8 am to 5 pm and they will be treating the entire building for bed bugs. What does this entail? I have to do all of the following things before the exterminators come:

1. Bag up all of my clothes and bedding to be washed in HOT water after the extermination.
2. Remove “clutter. “
3. Clear off all shelves and other places with “dark corners.”
4. Move all furniture away from the walls.
5. Remove all drapes and bag for laundering.

So essentially, after reaching the point where I am very nearly unpacked, I must pack it all up again, since everything I own is “on bookshelves” and “in dressers and closets.”

After the extermination, I have all this to look forward to:

1. Washing everything I own in hot, hot water.
2. Washing all of my dishes and the cabinets. AGAIN.
3. Wait to clean for 14 days. (14 days! Living with God only knows what chemicals and dead things!) Then clean like a mad person. Seal everything in plastic bags.
4. Pray the bed bugs have been eradicated.

Now, I have been living among clutter for the past three months. I’ve been living out of boxes for about two. I am just getting to the point where I am organized and now I have to rip it all up again. If you know me, and I believe most of you do, you know that there is only a low level of clutter and disarray I can deal with. After that it becomes mentally taxing. I’m sure I’ve got 80 versions of OCD, but I like cleanliness and orderliness. And to be without it drives me batty.

So upon learning I was going to have to repack, I broke down last night. I don’t know if I can deal with this again, but I guess I have no choice. I can’t go stay with mom and dad like I could have if I was still in CT. And that’s the price I have to pay in my war with the rats, and the bed bugs.

It is important to note that I haven’t seen any signs of bed bugs in my apartment, but apparently others in the building have them or have had them. And they are difficult to get rid of. Apparently they’ll just move from apartment to apartment unless you bomb the whole building. So on one hand, I guess it is a good thing the landlord is being thorough. On the other hand, I am now itchy everywhere and imagining I do indeed have bed bugs. Who knows. What I do know it this: I’ll be very busy all weekend.

So I was hoping to catch up on emails this weekend, but that won’t be happening now. It’ll probably be another week, maybe two. I’m sorry! I’ll let you all know how the extermination goes on Monday though.

Until then, keep your Raid close at hand.

Rats of NYM

I hate rats. I loathe them on a level that defies logic. I’m pretty sure it’s the hairless, thick tail that sends shivers down my spine, but it could be any of their other fine features, such as pestilence.

Anyway, as a hater of rats, New York is an unusual choice for a residence, since rats are only barely outnumbered by people. Some day the rodents will rise up and take over the city in a virtually bloodless coup (because we are cowards and they are vicious – have you seen their sharp teeth?).

Now some people freak out when they are very close to certain animals – snakes, bugs, etc. I freak out at the very thought of rats. So you can imagine my joy at seeing them scurry back and forth across the subway tracks. Yes, I know I am fairly removed from them. And yes, I know they aren’t very interested in people (until the coup, when we will all become their slaves). But rats just give me the willies.

The only thing that lifts my spirits about the subway rats is the periodic sign, courtesy the City of New York, that “Rodenticide has been used in this area.” Then it is comfortingly dated. Usually for six years ago.

I think this may be a false sense of comfort, though. I suspect the rats are actually planting these signs themselves. I think it is their way of lulling us into torpidity leading up to the coup. The giveaway is that the rat depicted on the signs has these long, freakishly skinny arms. This is not a fuzzy little creature that scampers across the floor, dashing from one hole to the next. This is a creature that has evolved opposable thumbs while living, breeding and sacrificing baby orphans in the city sewers. And this creature is preparing to use those thumbs. For evil.

Now you are probably thinking, “Hey, Splinter lived in the sewers and he was a freakishly large, opposable-thumbed rat and he worked for the forces of good!” This is a lie being sold to you by the rats. They already have taken over the entertainment industry. Don’t believe me? Then explain “Fear Factor.”

That’s what I thought. Now you are on my side.

Until Friday, train for combat …